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Sunday, September 25th, 2005
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12:53 pm - Dark Brown 40
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So i'm marinating in hair color right now. Coloring my hair before I take off to my mini break in Detroit next weekend. I am also planning to go buy a pair of jeans, a sexy nighgown, maybe get a hair cut or not.
I must vent about something. I know not a lot of people are gonna read this but I just discovered that now in my 20's I am no longer a confused teen with no identity, or unsure about my sexuality, or trying to fit in, instead I am now going through an unexpected crisis as a female.
I ve discovered that there is a war between females at my age. I don't know if its just me but every woman I encounter young or old hate my guts and are plain bitches! For no reason what so ever, I am a target becuase of my age I guess! Younger chicks hate me maybe coz I don't have a curfew, but I do have boobs. Older women hate me because I'm young, and no kids. and the chicks my age hate me just becuase THEY ARE MY AGE!! Well there is a big sexual competition at this age, and I expected that, but the others?
What da' fuck man! I'm gonna start speaking out on this issue coz I've had it! I am just surprised to find that the women of this generation -known as such a free and liberal era on all aspects are the most sexist bitches ever!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is what I see in this town.
current mood:  and still marinating
current music: Siampre me quedara -Bebe
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| Thursday, June 30th, 2005
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12:13 am - Cute guy at Barnes and Noble
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So I saw the cutest man at the bookstore, I was just about ready to go back and talk to him when I took a wrong turn and my brother in law said "Are you ready to go?" Oh well my beloved... have a nice life He he he! I made tuna pizza today - total success!
Frankly a nice day, except that I was forced to buy some books to begin another legendary battle with rotten mathematics. I spit on Mathematics. I pee on mathematics. Even better.
State of mind? Casual and ready to calypso this humid night away, I'm supposed to go hiking tomorrow - just me, me, and the dog. Nice trio. I shall walk through the wild and dangerous depths of this evil Appalachian Trail behind my house, maybe kill a rabbit and throw it behind a bush, run before twenty of them gang up on us. Or there is always TV and Seconds From Disaster on the National Geographic - my favorite ever!
So I'm thinking about moving to Houston. Lilian in Houston. Lilian lives in Houston. I'm from Houston. Doesn't sound quite right yet, I just need to get used to the idea. Or not. There's always Peru. And Eastern Europe.
Oh Lord! Please don't let me be misunderstood!
current mood: My shoulder hurts
current music: The Animals
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| Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
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12:51 am - Between Tuesday and Wednesday
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So I have insomnia and that is why I'm updating this journal. So again this spring I learned many things about how this world of ours works. On my way to hot summer 2005 I met some of the best and worse people I could encounter, I loved, I hated, I fell on my face, got up, passed out drunk several times, quit smoking, discovered I now hate whiskey, forgot a lot of stuff, threw a lot of stuff in the trash, ran 3 miles a day, took pictures I now regret taking, spent money and time on emotional investments that led nowhere, changed my views on love and then took them back, got very scared, became a resident of this country, I was forgotten, then I forgot back, I gave myself entirely, I was shut down in mid air, I apologized for my mistakes, nobody listened, I became the only person without a second chance, I said good bye to some of the ones I loved the most, I cried a lot in vain, I cooked a lot too, walked in the sun too long, Kayaked for the first time, still cannot go back to Sinbad's, quit two jobs, became officially unemployed, I started wearing skirts again, still taking birth control, I became very positive, became very tolerant, became a little possessive when it comes to men, damn, I have to work on that, almost drowned on a saturday afternoon, I missed, I got another hat and wore it, started thinking that kids are not too bad,decided that I do want to find the one I want to grow old with (not too soon though),I had an affair, I saw a dead lamb covered with flies, I rescued a turtle in the middle of the road, there was a time I thought I was dead, but actually I now feel I won once again.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: La traiettorie delleMongolfiere
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, June 12th, 2005
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7:29 pm
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Lilian Martinez's Aliases
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Your movie star name: Chips Daniel
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Your fashion designer name is Lilian London
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Your socialite name is Mayrongas New Orleans
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Your fly girl / guy name is L Mar
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Your detective name is Cat Carmel
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Your barfly name is Ricotta Tequila
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Your soap opera name is Rio Danubio
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Your rock star name is M&M's Lizard
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Your star wars name is Lilabb Maruda
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Your punk rock band name is The Chatty Thoothpick
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| Monday, January 3rd, 2005
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12:16 am - New Year and a new era for Lilian
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Gosh! so the new year is here. 2005, goddammit I tought life was gonna seem longer, therefore I must hurry up to achieve all my "goals". I really have no real goals in life, I just sort of want to venture around the world and find a place I really like, get a job that will get food to my table (or just couch), hopefully find someone to love, connect with people, belive in something, experience the world the way it was meant to be experienced, get a cat and a really big dog, exercise a bit more just to stay healthy, find peace within myself and have sundays off.
A great future awaits, eventhough things don't seem too bright right now, I know that I can escape anyday and find maybe not a better path -but just a different one. What does it mean to be better off anyways? To buy a lame SUV? I don't think so.
Right now Iam visiting home in New York and loving it. I have a cold, but this is really great, I am excited about school next semester, and I am ready to love a lot of people.
As I always do I take this chance to remind everyone and myself: PEACE & LOVE.
Cheers
My heart goes to those affected by the disaster in South East Asia last sunday. May your families be safe.
current mood:  peaceful
current music: Money by Pink Floyd
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| Tuesday, October 26th, 2004
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12:26 pm - Someone called and the bastard hung up.
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| Thursday, October 14th, 2004
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9:02 pm - October and still here
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First things first...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEO!!!!!!! I Hope you have fun and now that you are 21 you can hook me up with stuff from the goodie store!!
Happy Birthday my friend, let's get coffee?
Well among other news I just munched down an entire bag of macademia nuts, and I skipped the gym once again. Oh Well, totally fine nowadays, no real problems except the slowly creeping anxiety I get just before the holidays begin. Shit, The holidays!
I don't think karma is fair to me! Goddamn you Karma! I think karma is really gonna nail me this time, and probably in a few years I'll be a frustrated, bitter woman too poor and lonely to even feed homeless cats. Damn.
My back hurts too.
current mood:  apathetic
current music: "The View" Modest Mouse
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| Saturday, August 21st, 2004
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10:19 pm - Fall semester and my crummy life on a bottle of aspirins
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So the fall semester is about to begin and all I can think is..."whatever". As usual nothing in my life works out the way I hope it would, I mean, I do have a job now and I really enjoy it, but that feeling of emptiness and the getting nowhere feeling is still there.
Even now when I have so many things to do everyday, I still get home knowing that I haven't accomplished anything. What am I doing all this for? Fuck, maybe I should start thinking about joining a religion or something.
I don't think I need religion,I love all religions but I know that none of it is true. I hope I'm wrong and there is indeed a little old man waiting for us in the afterlife holding a stick to beat us with. Uh.
I think I need some Zoloft.
Goodbye sex drive.
current mood: tatanka
current music: Fast as you can by Fiona Apple
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| Tuesday, July 20th, 2004
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5:43 pm - Ouch!
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For some demented reason I feel I have something super important to do, but I just cannot remember what it was. It's driving me nuts! Oh well...
Everything good with us, right now there is a steady and healthy balance between my usual negativity and my positive side -therefore maybe that is why I feel so uneasy! Because everything is running smoothly. Jesus, Mohammad and Buddha! First time ever!
I think that Subway wrap I ate made me sick - bastards.
current mood:  anxious
current music: "Senor" Paris Combo
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5:31 pm - Whatever
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| Your Icecream Flavour is...Neopolitan! |
 You aren't satisfied with just one flavor. They say variety is the spice of life and this shines through in your Ice cream of choice! Just don't eat all the chocolate and leave the strawberry and vanilla behind! |
What is your Icecream Flavour?
Find out at Go Quiz
current mood: guilty
current music: "Pourquoi les Vaches" Paris Combo
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| Monday, July 5th, 2004
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8:03 pm - I'm gonna break their hearts around the world
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Great day, great weekend, great month, whatever. I've learned a couple of things these days, and I mean important things such as
1. Never attend family parties or reunions of families other than yours.
2. Its me first, then me second, then me third.
3. Things always seem bigger than they really are.
4. Buying water at Walgreens for 99 cents is the best choice.
I'm happy just to dance with you!
Sucker!!
Oh, yeah today was my first day as a Starbucks "barista" (means Bar Slut)He,he,he...it was great.
current mood:  chipper
current music: "A hard day's night" The Beatles
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| Thursday, July 1st, 2004
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3:36 pm - Lilian Paranoia
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Yes, I got the job! I got the job! I'm so happy! Now I just need my uniform and I start monday.
Great week so far, things couldn't be better - probably they could, but I'm a humble person and I'm satisfied.
As always I feel in a cruel mood, therefore I had the urge to watch a bloody movie and I want more. (Geo, what's today? Is it Tuesday?) Oh, yeah today is thursday.
I'm not going to the gym today because I don't feel like doing so, I'll go tomorrow for sure, I promise.
I also promise to make customers' lives easier.
current mood: cheerful
current music: "Woman Tonight" - America
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| Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004
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3:42 pm - Mint Waxed Floss
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OK, so things are better now, its a beautiful day today in El Paso -a bit cloudy and bit sunny, a little hot a little fresh. Life is still shit, no doubt, but it now seems bearable again, maybe it has something to do with the fact that my parents are leaving for a week. The fact that they live close to me always stresses me out: the wonderful guilt trips, my dad's paranoia, my sister's bitterness and of course the kid. I need to move to Maine.
I guess I mostly always concentrate on the bad things in life, and bitch about them. I rarely ever stop to appreciate those few good important things such as -sugarless bubble gum and aspirin. There is a reason though.
Blah, blah, blah.
current mood: disappointed
current music: "desperado" Eagles
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9:14 am - Wait just a sec...
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Ha, Ha, Ha! Yeah right, actually things seem to go from bad to worse, from sad to tragic, and from depressing to suicidal. Hopeless, goddammit, just hopeless.
I need the holidays to roll around, man.
current mood: discontent
current music: "Padam, Padam" Edith Piaf
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| Saturday, June 19th, 2004
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11:39 am - Bang Bang
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I'm very happy because maybe my life will be changing for good. Maybe this lucky period will last just for a couple of months, but maybe something is about to change. Hopefully.
I'm so tired of playing,
Playing with this bow and arrow,
Gonna give my heart away,
Leave it to the other girls to play,
For I've been a temptress too long.
Hmm just,
Give me a reason to love you,
Give me a reason to be,
A woman,
I just wanna be a woman.
From this time, unchained,
We’re all looking at a different picture,
Through this new frame of mind,
A thousand flowers could bloom,
Move over, and give us some room.
Yeah,
Give me a reason to love you,
Give me a reason to be,
A woman,
I just want to be a woman.
So don't you stop, being a man,
Just take a little look from our side when you can,
Sow a little tenderness,
No matter if you cry.
Give me a reason to love you,
Give me a reason to be,
A woman,
It's all I wanna be is all woman.
For this is the beginning of forever and ever,
It's time to move over ,
So I want to be.
I'm so tired of playing,
Playing with this bow and arrow,
Gonna give my heart away,
Leave it to the other girls to play.
For I've been a temptress too long.
Hmm just,
Give me a reason to love you.
current mood: happy
current music: "Glory Box" Portishead
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| Friday, June 4th, 2004
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2:24 pm - The most horrible night
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OK, so last night was the worst night I've had in years. My insomnia reached the point of excessiveness, psychotic-ness, and everything that is worth discussing with your doctor.
I was not able to fall asleep until 7:00am, by 6:30 I was practically exhausted from trying to fall asleep, and I just wanted to puke. The room was spinning and I could barely walk. This is serious goddammit! I really need some kick ass sleeping pills before my eyes dry up or something pops inside my brain.
For the past 2 weeks I've been sleeping and average of 4-3 hours a night, and last night was just the climax of it all. I suspect that tonight is going to be the same, shit, how did I fuck with my sleeping pattern so much? Damn you Comedy Central!!
So after I fell asleep at seven, at nine my cousin decides to stop by, so the phone rings and I let her in and we get into this very interesting discussion on sex, orgasm, body fluids and the sensitive spots of the male anatomy. But while we are talking all I can think about is "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND LET ME SLEEP!!" (don't take it personal dear cousin Sarah)
And then finally I get to bed and my insomnia comes back for a while but then finally I am able to sleep for two more wonderful hours!!
In case you are wondering, I still feel like shit.
current mood:  with a brain tumor or somethin
current music: "Otherside" Red Hot Chilli...
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| Monday, May 31st, 2004
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6:46 pm - Memorial Day Blues
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So today I decided to wear my retainer -shit it doesn't quite fit anymore, meaning that my teeth have started to move again, so I have to wear it more often.
Memorial day might as well just be the most boring day of the year, I hate that everything is dead today and it's not like the TV channels do much to help the situation, they keep playing their same old bullshit over and over, such as "Where the Heart is" for the 50th time this month! Bastards.
Nothing to say as always, mother wants to come over this week so we can "catch up" and see what's new in my life, and I'm already getting nervous because she is probably expecting me to pour down myself to her like sweet pink lemonade -but no. Plus I have nothing to tell, and if I do well, I don't want her to know about. She's in for a surprise when she finds out that my life so far is completely uneventful and helpless and even I could go as far to say that is really a waste. What a waste of life indeed. I should trade lives with a cancer patient or something, I would die but they could probably use my life for something good. It's fucking ironic that long healthy lives are always given to the lazy ass bastards good for nothings like me. And the people with real vision and purpose always drop dead of some weird disease in their early forties. Shit. I'm telling you man, just shit.
I NEED A CAR GODDAMMIT!!!!
current mood: and with a headache already.
current music: "It's not up to you" Bjork
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| Thursday, May 27th, 2004
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2:34 pm - I Love This one!!!
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| Thursday, May 20th, 2004
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11:29 pm - Thursday
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| Friday, May 14th, 2004
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2:45 pm - This is really disgusting
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(Article found on Yahoo.com)
Vatican Warns Catholics against Marrying Muslims
By Shasta Darlington
VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - The Vatican warned Catholic women on Friday to think hard before marrying a Muslim and urged Muslims to show more respect for human rights, gender equality and democracy.
Calling women "the least protected member of the Muslim family," it spoke of the "bitter experience" western Catholics had with Muslim husbands, especially if they married outside the Islamic world and later moved to his country of origin.
The comments in a document about migrants around the world were preceded by remarks about points of agreement between Christians and Muslims but they seemed likely to fuel mistrust between the world's two largest religions.
The document said the Church discouraged marriages between believers in traditionally Catholic countries and non-Christian migrants.
It hoped Muslims would show "a growing awareness that fundamental liberties, the inviolable rights of the person, the equal dignity of man and woman, the democratic principle of government and the healthy lay character of the state are principles that cannot be surrendered."
When a Catholic woman and Muslim man wanted to marry, it said, "bitter experience teaches us that a particularly careful and in-depth preparation is called for."
It said one possible problem was with Muslim in-laws and advised future mothers that they must insist on Church policy that children born of a mixed marriage be baptized and brought up as Catholics.
If the marriage is registered in the consulate of a Muslim country, the document said, the Catholic must be careful not to sign a document or swear an oath including the shahada, the Islamic profession of faith, which would amount to converting.
DIFFERENT APPROACHES
The document highlighted the contrasting approaches the Vatican has taken in recent years toward Islam, which has emerged as a strong rival for souls, especially in Africa.
Pope John Paul has broken ground in dialogue with Muslims and even prayed in a mosque in Damascus. He won plaudits in the Muslim world for his strong opposition to the Iraq war.
But Vatican officials and leading Catholic prelates have expressed increasingly critical views about the spread of Islam and the challenge this poses for Catholicism.
The Vatican's top theologian, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, said earlier this week the West "no longer loves itself" and so was unable to respond to the challenge of Islam, which was growing because it expressed "greater spiritual energy."
The migration document also discouraged churches from letting non-Christians use their places of worship.
This issue arose last month when Muslims in Spain asked to be able to pray in Cordoba cathedral, which was once a mosque. A senior Vatican official said this would be "problematic."
HAS ANYONE NOTICED LATELY THAT THE ENTIRE WORLD POPULATION IS RAPIDLY DETERIORATING TO THE LEVEL OF DUMB BEASTS? I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS! WITH WHAT KIND OF SICK MIND CAN YOU GO AROUND PREACHING THAT YOU SHOULD NOT MARRY PEOPLE FROM OTHER RELIGIONs?! THESE FUCKING BASTARDS INSTEAD OF TEACHING ABOUT HOW WONDERFUL IT WOULD BE TO CONNECT WITH OTHER RELIGIONS AND PEOPLE, THEY JUST GO ABOUT DIVIDING HUMANITY EVEN MORE! PSYCHOTIC MOTHERFUCKERS! GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS FUCKING WORLD FOR FUCK'S SAKE???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess we can't do anything else but to wait until someone comes by and declares war on us personally -because considering the fucking circumstances this is the time to do it, becuase everybody else is doing it, it's fucking spring fashion. Yeah, let's just declare war on everything and just annihilate this entire pile of shit we call Earth. We are better off dead anyways. GGGGRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! I'm just gonna walk around and declare war on the cashiers at Mcdonald's and on the girls that live on the second floor, and on who ever crosses my path. This world is shit man!
From now on I will detach myself from everything, this is the same reason why I deserted the Catholic Church a long time ago!!! They are not there to keep peace, or teach people tolerance and love toward one another, Ohhhh NO! They are there TO DECLARE WAR!!! That's all they do! Why would they do something like that??? Why at this precise moment in history? Why now when the Arab world is in the middle of this terrible storm? Isn't war enough? You just have to go around alienating their religion and their ways? What the fuck???!!! All they are doing is encouraging persecution and hate towards Muslims. At a time when you would expect the church to stay out of this hateful conflict BANG! of course not -they attack not with guns! but with poisonous words and their shit about not marrying Muslims. Fucking deranged bastards -somebody should take away from them all that fucking money they keep underground and give it all to Nigeria or something! And fill the vatican with homeless people instead of with a bunch of old deranged crooks in black robes!
I am fucking glad I'm not Catholic anymore! And I will never be Catholic again! I am not gonna have any respect for an association that hates and that openly encourages division in the world. In my life even The Beatles have taught me more about love than the church, seriously.
What a shame...fucking bastards.
current mood:  enraged
current music: "The Weight" The Band
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seabiscuit4077's journal
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